His worst fever (6/3/19 - 14/3/19)

2 minggu yang lepas (sebelum cuti sekolah), en.suami kena serang demam teruk. Demam yang paling teruk dan paling lama pernah dia alami. Kebiasaannya demam en.suami dalam sehari dua sahaja tapi waktu tu, demam dia seminggu lebih. The worst fever sebab he can't get up by himself, his body aches a lot, his psoriasis flare up disebabkan badan dia naik panas. Dan dalam waktu tu saya 'OT' tiap malam. Macam mana nak tidur bila suami yang disayangi sakit, waktu tu dia sangat perlukan perhatian dan kepekaan saya sebagai isteri. Well, that wasn't my first time OT tengah malam. Sebelum tu pun memang selalu juga, sebab suami selalu mengadu sakit, pedih badan, gatal yang teramat. Semua sebab psoriasis dia yang menyerang. Kadang2 suami boleh tiba2 sesak nafas tengah malam. I don't know why tapi kesihatan suami sangay merudum tahun ni. This ain't something that every wife like to witness. Sepanjang dia demam, kami dekat Samarahan. Dia berapa kali hampir kena admit. Dalam dia demam tu dia paksa diri ajak saya ke PPD sebab nak register SPM Ulangan. Tengah dalam perjalanan tu la dia kena sampai meracau. Saya mampu nangis je... Haih. Teruk betul... 

.

I suddenly lost my idea. Saya tak nak lain, saya nak suami saya sihat dan sembuh je. 😊

Dear Husband

Dear husband...
I am blessed and grateful to have you in my life. I hate to see how much pains you are struggling to endure. It breaks me, not a little but a lot.
...
Everytime you said you're hurting because your skin is bleeding, itching etc, I am so mad. Mad not because you're sick but mad because I can't do anything to make you feel better. It hurts me. All I can do is only to help you put on the creams, feed you your medicines, to hug you hopefully you will calm down. It hurts me that I can't do anything to heal the sickness you are suffering. It kills me slowly everytime you're in pain. It saddens me to see your self esteem dropped down a lot. It makes me crazy when you hate yourself. This is all because I love you so much. Just like what Jin Seon Mi told Son Oh Gong, "Just looking you in pain makes me cry. If this is not love, then what is this?"
...
I will always do the best that I can, for you. You can fight your psoriasis, my love. It may worsen everyday but I believe that some kind of miracle is waiting for you ahead. I love you, now and always in shaa Allah.

Love,
Your Wife

Last night...

I can't sleep. So as usual, I online lah kan. Google3. 

And I bumped (i know that term doesn't suit) onto something that makes me so down and insecure and curious until today. My fault, I guess. 😔 I just hate this kind of feelings. It kills me. It kills me. 😔

Sharing happiness, but?

Idk where and to whom should I let things out anymore. I ranted on twitter too much. Hahaha. So let me express everything here. Tonight. All out, hopefully. 

Well, you know. 

I told some of my friends that I am getting 💍 soon, with the intention to share my happiness with them. Guess what respond I get the most. "Untunglah nak kawin. Aku bila gik" and also the worst respond for me yet "Bila nak cerita dari a sampai z?" What the? 

The first respond is somehow normal eventhough I ACTUALLY HATE it because. I tell you guys things because I want to share my happiness with my friends, not to be compared with them. Yes, I am young. But you don't need to quesion such things. It sounds like questioning God's work. (Well I am not that person who will always talk or think about such things I tell you because. It's just me.) 

Now the second respond. It's good enough that I am willing to tell you, to share with you my happiness. Because, friends kan? But. My past mistake has nothing to do with you. I am not gonna share anything to anyone. Really. I am just going to keep it to myself. To be real honest, I don't trust ANYONE at all when it comes to my dark side. Not at all. You just don't need to know anything about it. For me, I'll just let you think what you think. I am NOT going to clear things up. Let it be like how it seems to be like. I don't care anymore. 

Don't question why I distance myself from some of you. 

"Belajar dari pengalaman" bukan cuma bermaksud dari pengalaman sendiri, tapi juga pengalaman org lain yg kita tauk. Kekadang kita menegur, menasihat sebab sikmok org buat silap yg sama mcm apa yg kita/seorg lain ya dah buat. Cuma ya lah, kekadang  nak nama manusia tok degil, sigek sebab nya terlalu yakin yg nya sikkan molah silap ya. Bila benda ya dah menimpa dirik, baruk tauk pa erti penyesalan. Baruk gago mok dengar kata. Ya pun mun juak mok dengar. Nasihat, teguran ya macam ubat. Pahit memang pahit. Tapi bait nya ada di sia. Memang la, kebenaran kekadang pahit utk kita terima (sebab ya org tingai sebab sik suka pait nak o) tapi dudi ya tauk manis. Ingat, nyesal dudi ari x guna agik. Masa ya sikkan dapat kita undur...

If I were given the chance......

It's the afternoon of 31 March 2016 and I am inspired to post this, after something that someone said to me. It's like a wake up call of how coward I am as a human. I have my right but I don't use it because I am too afraid. Too afraid of so many things. All I did these times are just pleasing people the way they want, but I didn't realize how much I've tortured myself...

If I were given the chance to meet the younger me..If I am able to meet the 15 y/o me, I will tell so much things to her. The journey of growing up ain't easy you see. You will face so much things. But one important thing to know: You always have the RIGHT TO SPEAK behalf of yourself, no matter who you are speaking to.. Don't be afraid to speak out. Don't be afraid to express. Don't be afraid to say no. Don't be afraid to disagree. The most important is, don't be afraid to speak. SPEAK. But remember, it doesn't mean you can be rude. Let out everything you feel, but in a good and strict way. Don't be rude. If you are afraid to speak for yourself, it will affect you in the future. Speak out, but never be rude.

Little bit of thought

Hello! Hahaha. Well, I don’t actually know why but in this time I feel like writing a random confession.Yea this maybe is simply just a confession from what I feel and keep deep inside me. Lol. Propa sia. Ok. Back to the fact.

It’s actually this morning I suddenly feeling so down to earth. Well, not only this morning (to be exact). I always feel this way, no matter what time it is. Pagi, petang, siang, malam. I mean, my feelings are always fucked up (no other word suits the best so yeah) without me myself know the reason why. Yea people may say that “You think too much Ummi” or “What are you thinking of?” or maybe “Who made u sad?” etc etc etc. But hey, no it’s not. That feeling just come, and attacked (what if I say it shot me like a shotgun right into my heart like tup tup tup lol). 

But yea, sometimes it’s just me over-thinking (but for me it’s not really over-thinking) whenever I look or remember the face of my beloved ones (beloved ones doesn’t only that one special person okay but he is also included) they will always remind me of what I’ve done in my life, towards them. (shit I feel like crying). 

You know what? 

You know the feeling of not worthy to have them in your life at all. The feeling like, ‘I have done so much troubles in their life but they still want to be with me’. Or something like, “I don’t deserve these people. They are too kind. All I did to them is to cause problems”. 

Or maybe such as, “Sabarnya korang dengan aku lepas apa yang aku dah buat selama ni”. Hahaha.

Sedih kan. I am always with these thought. Aku boleh cakap, almost (or memang) everyday aku rasa sedih sebab benda ni. Tu yang asyik2 nak sedih je keje. Hahaha. Cuma, aku malu. Yup. I am embarrassed. I am ashamed. Because in my own life I am such a troublemaker. I’ve caused too much troubles. Too much. Sigh. I love everyone around me. My family. Him. My friends. They are such great vibes, positive people. May Allah showers them with blessings. I can’t really pay their kindness towards me, the spoiled girl. But all I can do is to pray, I hope to meet them in heaven. To be with them, together again. Amiin ya Rabb!

That’s all maybe (walaupun I don’t feel like to stop typing but the toilet is calling hahahahaha).